


Start Breathing

by kinpika



Series: 25 Lives [1]
Category: sweet pool
Genre: 25 Lives, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 03:00:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinpika/pseuds/kinpika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Each time he woke, it was like breaking through the surface of the water, and yet it always felt like breaking through blood. </p><p>25 lives; 25 times Tetsuo has found Youji and hasn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Start Breathing

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [25 Lives](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/27230) by Tongari. 



> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sweet Pool
> 
> Author's Notes: 25 lives from Tetsuo's point of view. I'm not sorry in the slightest.

1.

_The very first time I remember you, you are blonde and don't love me back._

The first time Testuo sees Youji after that night on the rooftop (oh god, _that night_ ), he's not Testuo, and Youji isn't Youji either - they're complete strangers. But Tetso knows; Tetsuo remembers – how could he ever forget? And he recognizes those eyes, that stoic, expressionless face, and he can feel it in his skin, in his soul, in his heart - this was his Youji: the person he had dedicated those fleeting few weeks of his life to, the person he had loved with every fibre of his being, the person he had promised to never leave but ended up doing so anyway.

But the hair colour is different and the hard lines are replaced with soft curves. There is no longer a sad, slow walk, but a confident strut, and Tetsuo can't help the small smile at that. The Youji he remembered would have hated that, and probably sighed in distaste.

He's not surprised when Youji (no, he - _she_ must go by a different name) walks past him, to the arms of her lover, completely ignoring the way gold eyes followed her every movement.

He just wishes he had any kind of excuse to reach out and call to his Youji, but the words die on his tongue as he see that pull of lips and that light shine in Youji's eyes.

Tetsuo turns on his heel and leaves, wishing, praying, for another chance

2.

_The next time you are brunette, and you do._

This life isn't as uncomfortable. There are far fewer needs to be met. Being a stray cat has its perks, as the nearby pizza place employs a girl with a soft spot for cats, who feeds him on a nightly basis, and the old man in his lonely apartment leaves his window open at night to give him a place to stay.

But it's a rainy night one night, harder than the average, and he's stuck under the awning, watching cars fly by and the steady thrum of thunder getting closer. He's more scared than he's ever been, because this night he hasn't eaten either.

But then, the spray of water is broken and Tetsuo looks up, staring into a pair of wide grey eyes and _there you are_. The little child has a wobbly lip and holds the umbrella at an awkward angle that has water running down the side of his face but Tetsuo knows those eyes better than anyone. The hair colour is truer to the Youji he remembered, and the little boy grows into a young man, his love never wavering for his cat.

He doesn't mind being a cat if it means he can sleep in Youji's arms for the rest of his life.

3.

_After a while I give up trying to guess if the colour of your hair means anything._

There is nothing but the sting as he is punched once again. Tetsuo squeezes his eyes shut, and tries to ignore the way his entire body throbs. It's a pleasant throb, and he can hear the patronising words as he reacts in a way he should be ashamed of. But he is far from it because all he can think is _he found him._

This lifetime is far from pleasant. He doesn't know who he is supposed to be. What was he, after all? Something strange, something weird. It wasn't normal.

Tetsuo doesn't know, but he was sick of the long years that passed by without a trace of him. But he drew too much attention to himself with too many questions. It was another life and he didn't wake up beside Youji. He couldn't help turning towards various anonymous online boards, detailing his situation. The online world was helpful, in some respect.

But they had found him, whoever they were. And now … and now _this_.

This hurt more than anything, because the one beating him was the one he was looking for. He has red hair this time, but the eyes are the same, the way they were before Tetsuo had kissed him for the first time. Youji had been found, but Tetsuo wondered if he should have bothered at all.

4.

_because even if you don't exist, I am always in love with you._

Tetsuo watches as his 90th birthday rolls by and decides that he would give up. There has never been a moment before when he decided to give up, not even when Youji had been somewhat disgusted at the way Tetsuo had flirted with him, before passing it off as drunken behaviour. He had been there for Youji through thick and thin, guiding him along for years to come or watching from below as Youji grew into another kind of man he was proud of.

But 90 years of looking everywhere, of repenting and praying for some kind of miracle had drawn nothing, and Tetsuo was happier to watch this sad and sorry life disappear. He never thought he would abandon hope (he promised himself he wouldn't even after the lives he had lived so far) but here it was.

He should have written this down.

5.

_I remember most fondly those lifetimes where we get to grow up together,_

The next time around, Tetsuo can admit to being relatively happy. He found Youji sooner than he had anticipated, and this time, _this time_ , he has an excuse to get closer. They were neighbours in this life. Their parents were friends. It was a great deal sunnier in this life than the last.

They are smaller – or well, Youji had always been small beside him, but the trees look taller at this age – and Youji talks a lot more. His constitution is stronger but he insists on playing in the snow. It's almost asking for an accident but Tetsuo doesn't feel it in him to tell Youji to slow down. There is laughter. He still hadn't heard Youji laugh for him.

_Fwump._

Tetsuo can't help the snort as Youji falls face first into the snow, which soon develops into true laughter when Youji unsuccessfully pushes himself up, only to fall back down. Trudging over, he extends a hand, unable to keep a smile off his face as Youji glares up, huffing his fringe out of his eyes.

"Stop smiling, it's not funny!"

Youji's voice rings out, echoing around the park. It's a higher pitch than Tetsuo remembers, but then again, in this life, Tetsuo is eight and Youji four, and Youji will never love him the way Tetsuo does, but Tetsuo is content to be by Youji's side.

6.

_when you share your secrets and sorrows and hiding places with me._

They are friends again, but that's fine. They are older now, no longer four years apart but a few months. Youji is older once more. For a moment, Tetsuo believed he had woken back up in his first life, but Youji arrived at his door in the morning and told him to hurry up or they'd be late.

Tetsuo followed wordlessly, down through the back streets, behind fast food joints and between dumpsters. This was a different life, he'd remind himself, with a different set of worries.

But Tetsuo would always be there for Youji, when they finally stopped at the foot of an abandoned shipping container, Tetsuo opening it for Youji before he could protest, and motioning for him to enter.

It was their hiding place, where it was just the two of them and no one else. In here, Tetsuo could sleep on Youji's shoulders without running the risk of being pushed off, and more than once Youji had fallen asleep on his lap.

Here, Tetsuo learnt more about Youji than he did ever before. Secrets and sorrows he had missed the chance on finding out about. It isn't entirely his Youji – his Youji hardly ever smiled, and avoided their fellow classmates like the black plague – but when that look settled in that eye of his, it took all his willpower to push Youji down and kiss him senseless. That was his Youji in there, but he'd never be able to reach him.

7.

_I love how you play along with my bad ideas,_

It's the first time in so many lifetimes when he is able to kiss Youji again. This time, they're 15, and young and stupid and experimenting, but that doesn't deter Tetsuo in the slightest. He's lost count of how many years he's been waiting for this (too many). Too many painful years have gone by.

But they aren't Youji and Tetsuo this time, and they aren't even male. They are two different people from another time, but that doesn't stop Tetsuo from feeling like crying when her lips touch those of Youji's. It's another kind of miracle that she woke up at this time and she wants to take advantage of this teenage curiosity Youji had presented to her.

Tetsuo kisses Youji with all she's got, desperately clinging to her, hugging her tighter, _closer_ , and Youji hesitates from confusion long enough to make them both draw a breath.

"We can stop now," Tetsuo puts on the table. They can go back to being friends, as they were in this life. It was a bad idea, perhaps, to have Youji spread out beneath her, chest rising and falling in a mesmerising rhythm.

But Youji merely frowns, hand on the back of Tetsuo's head and pulling her in for a kiss that is open mouthed and awkward but there is a renewed sense of vigour.

Tetsuo can't help but giggle as she remembers Youji was never good at kissing in the first place and she receives and bite to the lip for breaking the kiss once more. Tetsuo sighs into Youji's lips and she can't help but let a tear roll down her cheeks when she whispers those three words she'd been dying to say for, how many lifetimes now?

 _This could be heaven_ , she thinks, when Youji's reply is shy and barely above a whisper, "I love you, too"

8.

_before you grow up and realize they are bad ideas._

It's another life of growing alongside Youji, but Tetsuo is fine with this. Fortune, in its twisted way, had smiled on them, and they had been born into families that had abandoned them before they could hardly walk. It's a blessing, because now he can grow up with Youji, to protect him and be protected by him, to reach out and find happiness and form their own little family to make up for the ones they couldn't have.

But with them growing up Tetsuo couldn't help the driven desires, the bad ideas he had planted in Youji's mind. Was it to encourage his Youji to return? Possibly. But he can't help the way he whispers into Youji's ear about how they should do this and that, as his hand rests on Youji's chest and his lips brush his ear. This is as close as he's going to get to Youji in this lifetime, he knows, so he plants the ideas that would surely get him later.

9.

_(And in our times together I have many bad ideas.)_

How many lifetimes ago was it when he planted those bad ideas in Youji's mind? Too many ago, but surely this is universal karma coming to get him for it. If he had known that life worked like this, he would have kept Youji on the straight and narrow, to avoid falling into this.

"Youji, Youji, _Youji_ ," he shakes his shoulders again and again, trying to keep those glassy eyes focused. It's not a wasted effort as there is a groan, and Tetsuo presses his hand on top of Youji's, trying to stop the flow of blood.

Tetsuo's eyes burn as he watches Youji slowly blink back up at him. His face is streaked with red and brown, blood and dirt. There is nothing on his face that gives away his pain, except for the small grimace that draws a hard line on his normally soft face. Tetsuo doesn't know what hurts more.

"Stop shaking me," Youji slurs, before coughing again, blood flying from his mouth, landing somewhere. The room is so dark, save for a sliver of light.

"You're going to be alright, Youji," Tetsuo murmurs, smoothing hair away from his forehead, "You'll make it."

They both know this is a lie. There are no reinforcements. There is little hope. But Youji merely keeps a hand pressed to his stomach, falling in and out of sleep, leaving Tetsuo to his own devices.

Tetsuo holds Youji's free hand and can't help pressing a kiss to Youji's bloody lips, can't help the tears that fall freely as Youji mumbles something incoherent.

And then,

 _silence_.

10.

_When we meet as adults you're always much more discerning. I don't blame you._

Tetsuo works in a coffee shop this time, around the corner from where he used to see Youji off at the station, back when they were still students.

He's distracted as he takes the order, unable to help the pull of his lips as he thinks back to when he used to walk Youji home. Tetsuo believed this would be another life without Youji, but that didn't matter so much. He had recognised the sister as another self. Maybe he wasn't looking hard enough.

When his customer mumbles something that sounds vaguely like an order, Tetsuo can't help how his heart stops before kick-starting on the highest setting. _That voice …_ Lowering his paper, he has to fight the grin. There is no mistaking those eyes, even if the hair colour is wrong (but Tetsuo gave up long ago trying to work out hair colours and which Youji would be his).

Tetsuo realises Youji's ordered food and it surprises him because he would have normally had to force-feed Youji himself. But, this time it is different. Tetsuo isn't pushing 6 feet with his height – he's a short, petite young woman, and Youji looks healthier, lighter. His eyes are more critical, as he watches each of Tetsuo's movements but there is no open hostility. Not like the first time Youji laid eyes on her.

But Youji is far more forward, too, and has a noticeable blush on his face when he asks to have coffee together, and when he looks at Tetsuo like this she can't possibly refuse him – who is she kidding, she would never find it in her to refuse _Youji_.

The coffee goes cold as they talk until the end of Tetsuo's shift, and she smiles genuinely for the first time in years.

11

_Yet, always, you forgive me._

Tetsuo would have never picked waking up in a timeline that suited the stories he used to read as a child. But he does and _this_ place definitely does, if his clothing is anything to go by (and he had to check several times this wasn't just a play).

But it's typical in this that Youji is a princess and he a common thief. Tetsuo knows how the story goes, but he can't help the way he is drawn to Youji (he never can), so he climbs along walls and scampers along rooftops, drawing closer to the window he knows is open for him.

Youji is seated at her boudoir and watches him through the mirror. Walking over slowly, Tetsuo watches as Youji rises to meet him, before stepping out of her gown and embracing him, hurried kisses as he apologises over and over. He should not be here. He wants Youji to live, to be happy, even if it is without him.

Tetsuo knows they will meet an early death in this life but Youji forgives him, whispering sweet nothing into his ear as he takes her again and again.

12.

_As if you understand what's going on, and you're making up for_

The first time in a long time, when they finally have sex, and this time they aren't opposite genders or smaller or taller but _themselves_ and Tetsuo can't help the shot of ecstasy that runs through him when Youji rolls on top. He can't breathe when Youji starts pumping himself and has that somewhat delirious grin on his face because hell, he missed this.

It's sweaty and gross but at least there is alcohol and no longer blood, and all Tetsuo can smell is _Youji_ and dear god when Youji rides him like that he feels like weeping because he missed this oh god _Youji_.

When they wake later in the evening, with hangovers to boot, Youji is in Tetsuo's arms and he merely holds Youji closer because how many years had it been since this? Far too many, he concedes, as Youji wakes up and yawns into his collarbones and does that little snuffle that Tetsuo has missed so dearly and Tetsuo thinks this might be the lifetime he's waited for.

Maybe Youji does understand because he pushes Tetsuo down once more and this time they don't fall asleep before reaching their orgasms.

13.

_all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn't exist,_

Tetsuo doesn't know when he managed to put his thoughts on paper. When he had sat at the table and just _wrote_ out everything that had happened so far. And quite possibly will happen.

But he is pushing 60 in this life and he has yet to see Youji, so he decides to spend this lifetime well and _write_ , promising himself each and every day that he is alright.

Across from him sits Makoto, in another life, far more organised than he had been back when Tetsuo knew of him. He hadn't anticipated Makoto existing alongside him, but it doesn't bother him so much anymore. It's a familiar face.

"As expected," brown eyes shine with admiration Tetsuo wasn't sure the Makoto he knew would ever direct at him, "your writing is breathtakingly beautiful as always."

Those eyes scan the manuscript Tetsuo had just finished. There is no pride from him in that bunch of words, because his eyes settle on the window outside and he would be fine even seeing Youji as a bird in this life.

Makoto continues in the background with praises that makes Tetsuo want to laugh. He thought he would be fine when he handed in the manuscript. He was wrong.

"If I may ask … where do you get your inspiration from?"

Tetsuo can feel the world drop out beneath him as his lips threaten to betray him. But instead, he simply smiles, thin lipped and strained, his age showing through. His years without Youji present. "Let's just say I'm … _talented_."

Youji might not exist in this life, but at least Tetsuo can recreate him with his words.

14.

_and the ones where we just, barely, never meet._

He will never know how he ended up as an air hostess in this life but it doesn't bother him so much. Tetsuo doesn't bother to ask anymore, and just accepts things as they will be. So, he tightens his bun and plants a smile on his face as he greets each and every passenger that passes through the gate.

But her smile falters when she catches sight of the tall man at the back, who looks haggard and carries a case.

Her smile disappears altogether when he barely gives her acknowledgment, just boards the plane and leaves her be.

Tetsuo excuses herself to go refresh herself before the plane leaves, but ends up crying into the mirror and clutching her chest thinking nothing more than _Youji._

15.

_I hate those. I prefer the ones in which you kill me._

Tetsuo doesn't know which life he hates the most. Living without Youji existing is painful enough, but he is constantly reminded of when Youji barely sees him. When Youji does not love him at all. Those are the most painful.

Tetsuo decides in the last moments that this life is better off over, as the gladiator with piercing grey eyes approaches. Hackles raised, Tetsuo makes no move to attack.

He'd rather die by Youji's blade than hurt his loved one, even if he is merely a sideshow for the crowd.

16.

_But when all's said and done, I'd surrender to you in other ways._

This is _wrong_ , even by Tetsuo's standards. They are teacher and student in this life, and Youji teaches traditional art and Tetsuo happens to be one of his best students. It's a college, Tetsuo reminds himself, but still there are laws to consider and he does not wish to continue this life fearing repercussions (like Youji being taken away again).

Tetsuo is again female, and wonders if in this life Youji preys on girls, because he was asked to stay behind class and oh god the feel of Youji's breath on her neck betrays her.

Tetsuo isn't sure how many easels are pushed over as Youji backs her against a wall but fingers slide under her skirt and brush against her and how long has it been?

When Youji presses into her Tetsuo closes her eyes, ignoring the way tears leak. This isn't her Youji, but that voice, that scent, those eyes … she recognises them all and surrenders herself to this Youji, because it is as close as she will get to hers.

17.

_Even though each time, I know I'll see you again, I always wonder_

They are comrades again, but that does not deter Tetsuo in the slightest. He found Youji sooner than he had anticipated, and he wants to snark about Youji's choice in attire but the words die on his tongue when he's asked to fix his lapel.

Tetsuo has to stop himself from pushing Youji too far, because in this life they are nothing more than brothers-in-arms, outfitted with swords and heavy armour, and Youji is from some higher family whilst Tetsuo is once again lowly.

But Tetsuo and Youji keep count of how many enemies they slay, contesting against each other to keep their minds above the blood (Tetsuo remembers the blood).

They grin at each other at the end, relief floods Tetsuo and yet he wonders.

18.

_is this the last time?_

This was sure to be some cruel twist of fate, but Tetsuo places a kiss to Youji's brow, as their hands remain clasped and rings shine in the morning light. She traces her lips down his face, a face truer to Youji's than the others had been, before pressing one firm kiss to his lips, waking her husband from his slumber.

Youji is sluggish, and opens bleary eyes to present that beautiful colour of grey. Tetsuo has missed seeing that colour for so long, and presses a chaste kiss once more to Youji's lips, moaning when Youji's tongue presses back.

He flips them over then, and Tetsuo remembers the many times he has done this, but Tetsuo is ready and waiting, and they both groan as Youji sinks into her warmth as his hands move down her sides and his lips trace her collarbones and neck.

It's slow and they take their time to reach the end, with breathy moans leaving Youji that has Tetsuo quivering more than the feel of Youji's skin. She never thought she would be able to have a life like this.

When they are having lunch late in the afternoon, Tetsuo can't help but cup her chin and watch Youji, wondering if this was the last time.

19.

_Is that really you?_

Tetsuo really wished he could have avoided this lifetime. It was a new level of hurt he didn't know he would ever encounter. At first, he wasn't all that sure it was Youji, even though he had felt that same spine-tingling sensation he always felt, and could tell by scent alone that it was quite potentially his Youji.

But it wasn't. At least, he wanted to convince himself it wasn't.

His mother wandered into his room, hand on hips as she surveyed Tetsuo, facing the window. Tetsuo watched her from the corner of his eye, watched that pull of lips that was so familiar, could feel the ghost of breath along his neck. But it wasn't Youji.

This _woman_ married his father, becoming his mother. His father just happened to be Zenya, and Tetsuo had never fully realised until he saw the way Zenya looked at Youji and he still wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Dinner's almost ready," Youji finally calls, wiping her hands on her apron.

Tetsuo thinks in another life he wouldn't have minded seeing Youji in an apron, but he turns to face his mother, and smiles. "I'll be down in a sec."

When she beams back, his heart breaks for the umpteenth in his sixteen years of life, and he wonders if killing himself won't let him live again.

20.

_And what if you're perfectly happy_

It's another life of merely watching Youji from the sidelines. Tetsuo wants to believe he's immune to the feeling now, of merely watching Youji, but he could never lie to himself.

But Youji looks content, like there is nothing bad in this life to deter him from his strange sense of calm. How long has it been of Tetsuo watching from the tree, perched high, as Youji merely sketches. There isn't much Tetsuo can make out (he's never really had an eye for art if he was going to be honest), but there is a form appearing beneath Youji's work and he's happy to watch, occasionally dipping closer to peck at the ground, perch on the back of Youji's chair, just be beside him as much as he can in this short life.

Tetsuo's beady eyes fall on the canvas and he has to wonder for a moment if birds can cry.

He feels as if he's looking in a mirror, or at least he would be if he was still Tetsuo Shironuma, and Tetsuo doesn't know what he should do, doesn't know if Youji has finally remembered.

So he flys away so suddenly, Youji jumps, drawing a line through the hard face staring back, and Tetsuo never sets foot in the park again.

21.

_without me?_

Tetsuo always found it a relief when he woke up in college. For some reason these lives were easier, more enjoyable, and more likely to have Youji by his side. He never always saw the end of college but that didn't bother him in the slightest. Just having Youji was enough for him.

But this one has Makoto with them (allegedly female but still acts like the male Tetsuo knew), and Zenya is creeping around in the background, and Tetsuo, whilst he has Youji, can't help the intense feeling of foreboding as Youji and Makoto grew closer with each passing day.

He's at lunch one day and Zenya is playing with his food reminding Tetsuo of his first life, when he hears the clicking of shoes and Makoto stands before them, grinning widely and Youji just a foot behind her.

Tetsuo tries to catch Youji's eye but he never does as Makoto announces three words he dreaded more than he thought (even if he had spent several lives happily married to Youji).

"We're getting married."

22.

_Ah, but I don't blame you; I'll never burn as brilliantly as you. It's only fair_

When she's sure she's alone and nobody's watching, Tetsuo allows herself to curse her fate and cry. She allows herself that moment to break down because she would never do it otherwise. Especially in this life, so cruel, making her feel so guilty and filthy. She knows she should not feel like this but she does because Tetsuo has travelled countless lifetimes for Youji, and this hand of fate places them as not lovers, friends, but family.

They are twins, born and bred, their only difference in their younger years were their eyes. And whilst she is granted to watching Youji grow and mature, to help him be a better person, Tetsuo knows that there is nothing she could ever do.

Kneeling beside the couch, Tetsuo clutches her knees to her chest. His name is but a murmur, and she presses a chaste kiss to his forehead, his nose, his lips. She knows its wrong – oh, she knows more than ever – as they are not even given the option of being lovers in this life (and whilst the prospect had crossed Tetsuo's mind countless times, she would never), so she brushes away tears and rustles Youji's shoulder.

"Youji," she breathes, like the million times before, "you're going to have a sore neck if you sleep here."

He's slow to start, just like he has always been, and Tetsuo smiles in such a way Youji must think it's near condescending (it would never be), so he pushes her hand away and slowly rises, rubbing his eyes with one hand as Tetsuo ushers him along to his room. And she follows, like she has always done and she's not going to stop now.

Youji falls face first onto the pillows, and Tetsuo counts the seconds before he turns over (ten, it's always ten). Youji motions for her to join and she's slow and deliberate as she walks across his room to his bed before curling up at his side. Whenever they are like this Tetsuo wonders if this is what Youji felt like beside him, so safe and warm, and Tetsuo hopes Youji felt that way at least.

Her brother's lips brush her forehead and she looks up at the brilliant boy and her heart hurts as she reminds him that he is loved by her – not that he would ever understand the meaning. They fall asleep in each other's arms with his name on her lips.

23.

_that I should be the one_

This is supposed to be one of the happier moments of his life. Tetsuo knows this, as everyone had been reminding him that it was from the moment they announced that Youji was pregnant.

But there is blood, so much blood, and there shouldn't be, and he's forced out of the room more times than he can count but he always makes his way back in because Youji is screeching for him, screeching for him to make it stop.

Tetsuo doesn't understand why. Why him? Why this? Why must he lose Youji again? What did he do to deserve this? Why why why

"Save her!" He yells over again. He doesn't care about the child – they can try again later it won't matter to him. "Just save her!"

But they don't and hours later he's in the hallway staring at his hands, seeing blood that isn't there and oh god it happened again. He lost Youji again.

He's offered a cup of water and condolences, apologies. So many apologies. And he wants to be angry, he wants to feel something, but he's so empty inside. He lost his meaning again. He can only take losing Youji so much.

It should have been him. It should always be him who leaves Youji. Never Youji leaving him. Oh, he messed up in this life so much. He never tested that theory he thought about all those years ago. Could he force himself to wake up in another life? Was that a possibility?

And he hears it. There are high pitched screams coming down the hallway and so much shushing and for a moment Tetsuo thinks good, he hopes those bastards are in pain, but it isn't another patient but a midwife and a bundle in her arms.

She's apologetic too but congratulatory, which Tetsuo is almost more offended by. He doesn't want that _thing_ that killed the love of his life. Why would he want something like that?

Tetsuo's about to refuse but she all but thrusts the bundle in his arms and it's pink and crying and gross and Tetsuo can still see blood but that nose is familiar and there is a dark tuft of hair and when it opens its eyes it's _Youji_. He knows it is. But it isn't. Youji's been rolled down to the morgue already and well Tetsuo doesn't know if this lifetime thing works for him too.

"Junsei," the nurse murmurs, "your wife asked for him to be called Junsei."

24.

_to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes_

"Do you believe in reincarnation?" Youji asks one afternoon, when they are laying flat in the shade, trying and failing to avoid the summer sun.

Tetsuo's head rolls to the side as he studies Youji. He's not looking at him, but every so often he'll peek back, before turning away once more. Tetsuo almost thinks he's going to ask him to stop looking but he doesn't, only waits for an answer.

Tetsuo rolls onto his side, propping his head up to rest his cheek in his palm. "Why does it matter?"

He's flushed now, and normally it would make Tetsuo burn something fierce seeing that colour dusting along his cheeks, but he's managed to keep those feelings at bay for many years.

"I've had dreams … for a while now. I can't always remember what they are about, but sometimes I remember drowning, and there is a rooftop in others …"

Youji looks at Tetsuo, eyes wavering slightly, as if he's scared. Scared of what? Tetsuo wonders, but does not question. This Youji doesn't like being pressed for answers. And he talks a helluva lot more too. "Do you think they're memories of how I died?"

He presses his lips together as he considers how to answer. But Tetsuo wouldn't know how to explain it without begging for more answers. So he merely flicks Youji's forehead, calls him stupid, before standing and hoisting the other boy to his feet, offering to buy lunch.

25.

_until I find the one where you'll return to me._

Tetsuo wakes once again, and he's 17 and his mother is calling for him to hurry up or he'll be late. And he's walking to the station, bag over one shoulder, not quite sure if he should start looking yet. So he doesn't. After all, he hasn't quite figured out what life this will be.

He's in school, and no one is whispering this time that some new kid has tried to take his seat, and Makoto looks lost all by his lonesome, eating the same ice cream as that first time he met Youji – he's always eating and it makes Tetsuo feel sick.

Tetsuo can't help but worry when he notices that even Zenya is in his first form, and Youji is still nowhere to be found. His name appeared on the class list, so he exists in this life, but a cold feeling settles in Tetsuo's gut as he makes his way around the school.

There is no one in the chemistry labs, and no bodies to be found in the bathrooms. He chastises himself for a full ten minutes that he should have checked Youji's apartment this morning just in case.

When Tetsuo comes to the rooftop, he finds no one and sighs to himself. Maybe there was no Youji in this life. Maybe not for a few more years at least.

Walking over to the chain link fence, Tetsuo grips the twisted metal in his hands. He can almost smell the chlorine from the pool below him, and memories burn in the back of his mind. He remembers the dive, the moments before. _Forever_. It's cruel how the world works but he did end up spending forever with Youji and probably will continue to.

But he hears his name called from below and Tetsuo nearly flies over the fence because no way it can't be Youji found him first?

When Tetsuo looks down there is that face he knows better than the back of his hand staring back up and he's sure his eyes are as wide as Youji's and he just wants to sob then and there but he doesn't he just holds Youji's gaze and smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment.


End file.
